This dance is exactly what my trans non-binary teenager does - depending on location, circumstance, and company. Somewhere safe like the LGBT Center? It's always "they/them." Anywhere else, they're presumed female and addressed as "she/her," which is far more welcome to my teen than "he/him." They never want to be referred to as "he/him." But in other places, like school, they'll go by "she/they," since most will use "she," but my child often feels safe enough around friends to disclose their non-binary status.
As a mom, I can sort of empathize with how exhausting it is, but only in that I feel this sense of dread and juggling and "reading the room" whenever anyone asks if I have children. "Yes," I say, "I have three." But I've learned that wasn't enough info for most; they always want to know "boys or girls?" So I've gotten used to just going ahead and answering this way: "I have 3..." (and then I say each of their names and ages, without ever mentioning gender). Since the older two have gender specific names and the youngest has a gender neutral name, people tend to leave it at that.