What deadnaming is, why it matters, and a few steps anyone can take to avoid doing it
It’s not like I’m pressed or anything, just mildly amused. Okay, maybe I did wince… and cringe… a little. Because it was a mistake you don’t expect, the kind that catches you off-guard, you know? Earlier today while clearing out some notifications, I decided to catch up on voicemail. Now, maybe it’s because I’m an empath and sensory input can overwhelm me sometimes, but I really don’t like voicemail. For that matter, I really don’t like talking on the phone in general. But listening to voicemail is like a chore: necessary, but you dread having to do it every time.
There were only a few minutes before I needed to get back to work. I thought, “I have time . . . at least, time to check one message.” And that’s when my trans non-binary teen was deadnamed. Over the phone, by an automated system. In a recorded voicemail. Which I haven’t deleted from my phone yet. …
Here was a 10 year old child, grasping the notion of who they were at their innermost core better than most adults I knew, including myself.
Five years ago my youngest first learned about gender neutral pronouns. It happened during a visit to our local LGBT center. I’ll never forget the look on their face when my then 10-year-old discovered a glass bowl on the front desk filled with alternative pronoun lapel pins. I followed my child’s gaze and watched their body magnetically pull towards that bowl before reaching their hands in. None of us knew for sure yet why our (presumed) boy rejected everything masculine, but in that moment, I became part of an ethereal epiphany.
As I watched this young child — but old soul — gently scoop handfuls of small, shiny, ‘singular they’ lapel pins, letting them sift like beach sand through their slight fingers, I sort of got it, all at once. My child whispered, “this is me.” And from within me, tears welled up. Both at the simple beauty of the moment, and the complex, difficult reality that my child was not merely a feminine gay boy, or a binary trans girl, as I’d estimated in previous years. This was going to be so much harder. …
Let’s talk about what you’re *really* worried about instead
I hear you, fellow parents and countless other adults. You pose this question to me a lot, and for the record, I want it known that I fully agree with you, on at least this one point. So let me say it loud and clear: wearing dresses or playing with dolls should be okay whether you have girl or boy parts. Period. The end.
Unfortunately, our society isn’t quite there yet.
My three kids all defied traditional gender roles and stereotypes to some degree. My oldest, a cishet male (now age 20) played with dolls as a child, and sometimes proudly wore a tutu while doing so. My next oldest, a cishet female (now 19) played with her big brother’s toy guns, and for a long while, she hated wearing anything girly. …
Let’s debunk some myths!
Hey, you! Thank you for being here. Thank you for tapping on this title and deciding to read just one more line. And another. If you’re willing to be here and you’ve come out of genuine curiosity, I applaud you for being an open-minded person. Maybe you’re attempting to learn and understand something you don’t already. Or maybe you’re an expert on this topic. Either way, I welcome you.
That said, I want to make it clear up front that I am not transgender; I’m only the mom of a trans teen. I’m cisgender — the opposite of transgender. But being the parent of a child who’s in a gender identity minority (trans non-binary) has led to my writing about, involvement with, and advocacy for the trans community in general. …
Why we’re so resistant to it, and why we should definitely “check it”
A hot topic and label that’s accused of being insulting, presumptive, condescending (and even “racist”), ‘white privilege’ is possibly one of the most polarizing terms for white Americans today. Yet, it’s not a slur; it’s simply a fact — backed with research and statistics. To think of it otherwise is to vastly misunderstand the concept, and moreover, to outright dismiss an opportunity to foster empathy. If ‘white privilege’ is not pejorative, then why are we so resistant to acknowledging its presence in the first place?
“What more is it going to take? What more do we have to do to make up for what our ancestors did decades ago? Slavery is over! We all have the same opportunities now. People just need to quit complaining and pull themselves up by the bootstraps!”
This sentiment (among many other variations) is just one example of a common misconception that’s perpetuated and echoed every day in white mainstream America. Good, decent, upstanding Christian people with good hearts, who all look something like me, spend some amount of time wondering what it is that black people want from them, while at the same time, claiming to not have a racist bone in their bodies. …
We become advocates out of necessity, not out of desire
We don’t have an awful lot to complain about, but from time to time, parents of trans kids get exhausted. Fed up. Even angry. Because we find ourselves in this uncomfortable yet familiar foxtrot with strangers time and time again, one where we’re trying to determine, a.) what is this person’s motive, b.) are they asking with genuine intent or just trolling, and c.) if taking a moment to enlighten or entertain their questions would be worth everyone’s while in the first place.
I can’t speak for all parents of trans kids — only for myself — but most of us are also advocates for our trans kids. Because before a certain age, kids can only do so much self-advocacy. And when legalities come into play, a parent is required to participate. The strangers we often encounter (online and face-to-face) seem to never tire of reminding us how we have no right to get mad or complain about any of it, because after all, we “signed up for this.” It was our “choice” to be vocal, “demand rights,” and live in the eye of the scrutinizing public. …
But finally, some light is breaking through
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Even though not all of our readers (or writers) live here in the United States, I think it’s safe to say this year has been difficult — on many fronts. Here in America, the 2020 election was a huge source of fear and exhaustion, especially for the trans community. And though we’re finally able to celebrate a Biden/Harris victory, many of us still feel like we’re on high alert, 24/7. …
The answer is… politics in the era of reality TV show presidents
Setting: Sometime in the not-too-distant future; on set recording of TV game show “Jeopardy.”
[end commercial break]
Alex Trebek: Welcome back! As you all know, our categories tonight are in the fun domain of portmanteaus. Good luck; here we go!
Contestant 1: (a quiet, unassuming librarian who loves knitting and cats and is hopelessly stereotypical) I’ll take Shakespearean portmanteaus for $200, Alex.
Trebek: Answer: Shakespeare writes a tragicomedy concerning the rise and fall of an American fruit drink beverage chain during the presidency of this modern aspiring tyrant.
Contestant 1: Who is… Orange Julius Caesar?
Trebek: He’s the one! Go ahead!
Contestant 1: Let’s move over to political portmanteaus for $200, please Alex.
Trebek: Here’s the clue: A brand of populism — perhaps jingoism — with a tinge of religious bigotry and white supremacy, all lumped together and masked under the false pretense of…
The circus sideshow has overstayed its welcome. It’s time for the Ringmaster to exit stage right.
Breaking news headlines are coming like the head of a fire, fast and fevered; one can hardly expect to keep up anymore. But with a Trump presidency, did we expect anything less? As I sit here working, the latest coverage is all about Donald and Melania Trump testing positive for COVID-19, which, kind of feels like karma is finally rearing her angry head.
On the other hand, with the circus-like political climate and smoke & mirrors sideshows of the 45th administration, it seems normal to speculate if this news is even true at all. It’s a true testament to the current state of “abnormal-ness” when such a ploy is plausible. That it may just be the Republicans last, desperate campaign strategy, as they struggle to somehow save face in the wake of Trump’s unbelievably embarrassing debate performance. Which turned our country into a global laughingstock. On the GOPs watch. …
Some days I get messages from people whose backstories knock my socks off. Today, that came in the form of an email from Claire Michelle Music. At the bottom she included a link to her recent photo shoot (video below). If you’re in need of a smile, check it out. It sure made me smile — always does — to see anyone living so authentically, indeed, thriving, despite the hardships they’ve had to endure.
Please watch til the end to see Claire’s simple but hugely important message regarding representation of trans people in the media.
Claire is also the most recent writer joining Gender from the Trenches, a publication I started here on Medium for the purpose of amplifying voices from the trans community — and I’ve had the good fortune of being able to add lots of great writers and storytellers over the past year. …
